and so.. here i am sparking a revival on my blog.. after what seems like a few years? what with everyone abandoning blogger.. wordpress.. tumblr.. not to mention the likes of msn messenger... the whole world is flocking now to facebook.. instagram.. path.. what can u say.. the world is changing.. like it or not.. in your favour or not..

a revival on my blog is something that wasn't really at the front of my mind.. definitely it wasn't.. but believe it or not it started from me asking someone what i can do with a computer and internet that doesnt involve chatting, games, facebook.. and guess what was suggested.. BLOG! and it really did get me thinking..

afterall i did embark on a tiny "adventure" to make the effort to write entries into a diary.. super untypical u might say.. but that was something that got me started one year ago.. when i was still in army and it just dawned on me that i should start a habit like that.. writing to yourself.. or writing to an imaginary someone.. #forever alone LOL

actually the idea of writing to an imaginary someone can be quite fascinating really. (from here on i should drastically minimise the use of ellipses) it could well be someone that u have yet to meet? longing to meet as well as waiting for to appear in your life. and so it is something u look forward to, and someone u want to share with. (okay it's getting quite hard to kick the habit)

and so the last time i blogged was December 2010. WOW i actually have to spend a few moments thinking back at what was happening around that time.. it was coming to the end of my first year in army.. another significantly huge part of my life at that time isn't applicable anymore now so i shall make no mention of it..

yeah but a huge turn in my life came around the time i was "celebrating" turning another year older. and u can't help but feel that there is SO MUCH more that is yet to come when u exchange conversations with adults and find out what has got them to where they are today.. and u unwillingly envision what might actually happen to yourself a few years down that road.. u also can't help but think feel that adults tend to belittle the younger generation especially when exchanging views.. sure a few decades older.. but don't be so quick to dismiss young people as immature and naive.. childish and inexperienced.. precisely cos of such stigma that young people actually turn into delinquents.. acknowledging the fact that they are not given a chance or a window of time to understand and adapt to the chemical reactions arising cos of changes in their phase of life and etc.. it was at that precise moment of turning 20.. hitting the big 2.. that really triggered.. of course there were alot of other things happening along the sidelines that greatly attributed to my tumbling and tripping and hiccups and u get my point..

so thankfully i had the confined space and time of ARMY on my shoulders that gave me this opportunity to really think and reflect on such issues of life.. relationship dynamics.. interpersonal skills.. and even better still.. close friends in army... that pointed me away from all that emo-ing.. that was yep.. my first safety net that i found myself falling into..

not forgetting the different groups of friends that have been there all the time..sangsters! although it has become increasingly harder for regular meetups.. what with someone about to get attached.. and two of them still in army.. and one signing on.. there goes the usual hangout times and just chilling out.. over a meal or two.. but sangsters.. will always be.. haha.. 1S02ple! meeting almost as regularly as 3 or even 4 times a month.. and just being that special group of friends.. listening.. chatting.. and sharing.. and also the most recently revolutionised primary school friends.. haha movies.. mahjong sessions and even a boatride on the outskirts of sentosa.. and spamming of photos.. one can only marvel at how much joy and emotions can be derived from human company alone..

and so it seems that getting completely swept off my feet with just friends and friends.. AND friends.. was the most effective remedy to that doom that literally crashed head on.. and ALL of that really pecked and pinched and nudged me into thinking my whole life needs a RE-FOCUS.. and turning 21 was not a simple task for me really.. and Sangsters... having put together a surprise party at one of the lesser of expected places.. stirred up a raging volcano of emotions.. definitely not of fury of course.. but i had long dreaded such a situation.. having all of those people whom are closest to you.. all gather at one location.. for you.. remembering each and everyone present.. and thankful for all that was going on and yet trying hard to hold everything together..

the past year that went by has also seen me getting alittle more into church activities.. as well as growing closer to people in church.. looking at the gathering of AG5.. and how everything took shape.. really thankful for this special group of friends that we can all relate ourselves to without having any qualms or anything..

really regretted not going overseas after ORD.. or rather i did.. but what does malaysia count? besides it was a day trip into malaysia LOL.. and it occurred on the day i left. and it was totally unphenomenal? i was asking myself where was the hype and drive and gusto that people were so proudly proclaiming when it was their turn.. and to make things worse my parents had to poke and jab at something which seemed so disturbingly clear.. but yet uncomfortably frustrating that led into a mixture of anger/frustration and mildly happy.. bittersweet really. on one hand u have just been issued the ticket of freedom but on the other, something still clings on to u.. when it's not even THAT important..

and even after spending away my december holidays of not going overseas.. and all the way up till now.. it really reflects the efficiency and immediacy they want to portray.. it is STILL bugging me.. it just saps whatever faith i have left..

the past 3 months i have been keeping myself significantly more occupied than i would have been if i had no job i guess.. working as exposed me to a new dimension?to something which even i myself think i am not ready for.. and all i am left to do is really to ask.. when will i really be ready.. for something.. and for anything...

so it also seems that something ought to happen to totally rip me apart and tear me down inside so that i can start everything anew.. sometimes just feel like i am some pathetic confused thing that gets SO affected even at the slightest of things.. the smallest of impacts.. no one to teach or guide u.. u just need to walk this particular road alone..

and so.. with the confusing and sophisticated intricacies of the heart.. i wonder when it will all come to light.. does it really have to take that special someone? just that special someone?

(9:57 PM)