Wednesday, June 20, 2007
slowly..but surely... our chapter ends.. OUR chapter.. our story.. our friendship fades......... im referring to friendship here.. and yar.. feeling crippled.. honestly..
i lost not only a friend.. someone to whom i felt extremely and remarkably close to.. but no matter how much i am going to sae.. it probably wouldnt make a difference to this someone.. im already non-existent.. to this someone.. and i want u ppl to know.. it's not that i am self-pitying myself.. it's not that i wun pick myself up.. but if u r crippled.. how do u pick urself up physically.. even emotionally and mentally.. it's tough.. extremely tough..
after reflecting and really thinking about it.. how much i want u to know.. that i really regret a few things that i did.... and.... i just rreally and honestly wish that everything cld just start all over again... i know that's impossible.. and lyk i mentioned.. it will never be the same again.. how i wish everyone out there knows that ur relationship with everyone else around u is very precious.. it's very fragile.. one wrong mistake and u might end up regretting for the rest of your life.. easy for u to sae.. that u wun commit any mistake.. but yeah.. how well do u treasure ur friendship with others...
regret is probably the most foolish thing on this earth.. lyk mentioned in yuan dian.. last episode on monday.. and yup.. it was so touching.. i nearly cried.. and in any case.. i did feel lyk crying.. with the song in the background.. and stuff.. everything jus rushed in emotionally... and i just can't help myself alright...
memories.. sometimes u wld wish to keep them.. sometimes u would not.. especially when they are unhappy ones..
//.. the frailty of myself .. //
(7:21 AM)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
right here.. i'll write my last words to u.. im not gonna do it through sms.. im not gonna do it through email... for if i do it through sms.. u might not receive it.. for if i do it through email.. u might not receive it as well..
well.. of the many many calls i made to u.. or u made to me.. it was always good to know that u were talking to me.. or i was talking to u... to someone whom i cannot fully describe the way i feel towards.. i just dunno how to xplain it either.. all i know.. it's deep.. it's remarkable closeness.. and a way which i nvr felt for anyone before.. i just dunno how to carry on the rest of this letter..........................................
i know.. all these while.. i hav probably caused u alot of irritation.. annoyance.. and i really hope u'll forgive me.. but i just know that i hav to talk to u.. i hav alot of things to iron out with u.. and i want to know u for the rest of my life.. to me.. our friendship.. our relationship... is special.. unique.. and different as compared to others.. and right now... as everything.. turns out this way.. i never expected it.. NEVER.. but expect the unexpected?
the times.. the past.. everything.. when we went to the beach together.. helping u with ur homework.. polishing of boots.. our first movie together.. watching the fireworks.. well.. im really sry.. i dun even hav any exact intention of reminding u of them..
well.. u r going for camp tmr.. and.. i just wanted to say alot more stuff to u.. didnt xpect u to be sleeping.. but nvm.. i guess this is the only way i can communicate wif u frm now on? not even frm now on.. but for the last time... even if im not gonna hear a single word of reply frm u.. i really pray that God will watch over u.. u'll take good care of urself.. be able to sleep well.. eat well.. nth bad happens to u.. be in good health.. throughout the camp.. and also even for the rest of the days of ur life..
u can't believe i mentioned severing of ties.. well.. i can't believe myself either.. but i honestly think we are going nowhere.. and i can't take all this treatment frm u.. i can't wait? i dun think it's a matter abt waiting.. neither izzit abt the after o levels.. den we cld revert back to normal.. but it's about our friendship.. our kor-mei relationship frm now until our o levels.. it's the friendship that wld take us through frm now until my o levels finish.. u said i don't mean it? i wan u to know.. that i don't mean it as a threat.. but more so for u to know and perhaps understand smt.. well.. but i think all that is not important now.. im really sry for the way things have turned out.. i didnt want things to turn out this way.. i even thot we cld be in close relations with each other forever or smt.. but im wrong..
lyk i told u.. i really want to hear things frm ur side.. i want to know wat u r thinking.. wat u r feeling.. and u wldn't even tell me.. being so certain that i wldnt understand.. but im more than happy enough to hear u tell me all these alright.. cos i wan 2take into consideration u.. EVERYTHING frm u.. but u wun allow me to........... i dun blame u.. perhaps i tried too hard.. i tried too much..
i've nvr wanted to blame u.... i admit.. there were countless.. no. of times where i did alot of things to u.. be it hanging up on u.. dao-ing u.. and everything else.. but right before u go for camp.. u hang up on me.. i really can't see otherwise.. i just want u to know that ALL THESE daoing.. hanging up on u.. i never meant it.. I NEVER WANTED TO MEAN IT frm the bottom of my heart.. i admit.. i did all these things in a bid to get back at u.. to make u feel wat it's lyk whatsoever.. but i've come to realise.. that all these are not gonna improve things but instead make things worse.. so i really want u to know that im really really sorry..... for all the bad things i hav done.. and that includes breaking ur trust........... by doing wat u nvr expected me to do.. i know.. perhaps.. once trust is broken.. it will be very hard to earn it back again.. and start trusting again... and i can't blame u..... perhaps this is wat i deserve..
even if u r not gonna be reading this.. i somehow just still wanna sae.. that take care.. may God's divine protection be upon u always.. and may he protect u frm all evil.. if u were to ask me.. why i keep mentioning God to u.. well.. it's because i want u to know..that it is He who really helps me out in times of need.. when i was in one of my darkest moments in my life so far.. it was he who showed me the light at the end of the tunnel.. and he who was beside me all this while.. and i want to introduce Him.. to you.. that u may know him better and better.. each day and eventually walk in the footsteps of him..
finally.. when i look into ur face... for the past few times i met u.. i really find myself speechles.. probably because i feel as though i hav so much to sae to u.. but yet i really dunno where to begin.. and i know u wun lyk me talking to u in tt manner too.. i find myself wanting to hug u.. so much.. and hug u closely..tightly.. but i keep suppressing it.. down into my heart.. cos of many many many reasons.. and i believe u wld know some of them.. u r just special to me alright.. you are special... to me.............................................
sry for ALL that has happened.. and i hope u'll treat the past year plus as nth at all ritex.. and yar.. take extremely good care of urself......... eat.. dun skip ur meals especially ur lunches.. pls.... im walking away now......... dun turn around for me alright.. keep ur back facing me and move on with life.. don't let me get into ur way.... big big things await u.. and u definitely can do without me in ur life.. hope to see u make it big in the future.......
GOD'S RICHEST BLESSINGS BE UPON YOU.............
(8:15 AM)