well.. okay.. so im going to malaysia tmr liao le.. sighx.. although it is only for four days.. im really gonna miss the stuff back here.. ppl.. friends.. my bed! muahahas..
anyways.. my eyes are better now.. just that both are still slightly read.. maybe a couple of days later should completely recover lors..
thinking about how my past few days have been.. its lyk im lyk a pig lar.. sleep and sleep and sleep.. sighx.. what to do.. my eyes were liddat.. and all u felt lyk doing was sleep.. sighx.. pig sia.. me.. hahas...
still having alittle bit of emotional struggle now.. especially after sequence after sequence of events keep happening to me.. and honestly.. i really feel alone now.. u guys might think im not alone or smt.. but yea.. its as though im left alone.. dunno why..
i really don't know okay.. on the surface.. u might just think everything's okay wif me.. but actually inside.. many many things are going on within my heart..
I AM gonna continue to apologise.. to everyone out dere.. ESPECIALLY ppl whom are dearest to me.. well.. hope u know hu u r.. besides my family members o' course..
skye.. i really just wish tat u cld hate me.. after all those stuff.. those things that i did to u... i am so certain that i dun deserve ur current feelings towards me.. thats why now.. im wanting u to hate me.. but i still want the best for u..everything.. for u to be happy.. well.. when im away.. u gotta promise me u'll take good care of urself okay.. and yea.. dun forget the agreement that we have come to.. yup.
umm..xiaomei... yea.. i don't know how am i gonna say wat i wanna sae to u.. but its lyk..cannot be described.. sighx.. well.. i really really.. am at a loss of words.. up to now.. u probably still do not know.. that im already going overseas tmr.. but its okay.. can understand... im already no longer as impt as i was.. its okay ya? cos maybe im not supposed to be... when im away.. u gotta take care of urself also.. and... the rest.. i guess i just won't sae it here..
paper crane.. perhaps its only wishful thinking on my part.. that u are even reading this.. or that u would still talk to me again.. some time.. in the future.. i guess the main reason is becos i caused u to lose the love of ur life.. and yea.. much as i would like to take full responsibility.. u told me in ur blog post that u wanna thank me.. which makes me wonder.. why do u say that.. u know.. how much i wish u cld just tell me that u hate me.. and perhaps that wld help me alittle bit.. cos afterall.. i made u lose the love of ur life..and im really sorry...
no amount of description or words can fully express what im feeling now.. all the emotional struggles.. im just about to drown or smt.......... hai...

farewell ppl.. take care..



sighx.. haven't been posting for some time liao cos yea..unable to come online lors.. just 2 days ago i went to see the doctor.. doctor told me the swelling in my eyes is probably due to too much heaty food or lack of sleep...
sighx.. really feeling miserable lars.. now both my eyes abit red liao..but at least the swelling has reduced.. only one eye had the swelling lorx.. but yea..now its lyk reducing..but the redness spread to my right eye liao..
todae actually got PB camp wan..but yea..bcos of my eyes.. cannot go lors.. den fri going overseas liao..dunno how sia..how am i gonna enjoy my holiday.. aiya..anywae..its in KL only.. so yea..nth much..hahas..
hai..its lyk holidays are gonna be over soon or smt.. and dats lyk wth lar..
u know..sometimes its lyk during school days.. u r lyk looking forward to holidays.. but sometimes during the hols.. u r lyk looking forward to school days.. weird huh..sighx..
and yea.. i dunno why.. im lyk having so much trouble wif my emotions.. its lyk im so screwed up or smt.. somehow thought of how to refer to u liao le.. since im paper crane.. den u also my fellow paper crane lors.. well..hope everything's fine.. u haven't been posting lately have u? well..yea.. i guess i shldnt sae anything anymore.. im not supposed to..or even allowed to interfere wif ur life.
xiaomei... congratulations.. and good luck.. im sure u know wat im congratulating u abt.. yea..all the best.. =)
skye.. im really sorry..guess u must be feeling so much hurt inside.. but all i can do now is yea.. just to be beside u.. time and time again.. and just care to my best ability that i can care for u.. all i can wish for.. is for ur forgiveness..
well.. yea.. still recalled one day.. um..if im not wrong it was tues morning.. i woke up.. u know.. the very point at which u wake up.. u open ur eyes right.. i opened my eyes.. only my left eye could open.. den i was wondering wat happened to my swollen right eye.. did i go blind or smt? well.. it was the fluid that sorta lyk glued my eyelids together.. so i had to use my own fingers to in tt sense pry it open lors.. sick ritex.. sighx..
sometimes.. i just wish that i could be cut off frm this world.. in that sense.. not be part of this world..



just thot wld let u guys noe.. i changed the photos liao le lors.. they are at the last link of my blog....yea.. the fifth wan on the right.. take care ppl..



fancy myself coming online at such a weird hour.. didn't actually have the intention to come online.. but yea.. my phone is taken away.. by my father.. but what else can i do.. well.. my phone was taken away by my father becos i was spending too much time on the phone.. and yea.. im sorry.. skye.. i was merely trying to help.. someone out.. and yea.. my phone was taken away.. looks lyk im wronged or smt.. ha..isn't that wat always happens to me..
i can't help myself.. i just feel this way.. i hv nvr felt this way towards someone before.. and i really dunno why i am feeling this way towards u.. its okay.. no matter how much u hurt me.. and how much u'll hate or dislike me for what i did to u.. all i hope is that u live ur life to its fullest.. making full use of it.. and carry on to live on strongly.. thats probably the most basic thing i wish for u now.. and perhaps also to be happy.. and i mean truly and thoroughly happy for the rest of ur life.. yeah..
i guess my parents are just not going to understand this part abt me caring for u.. and i dunno if i shld even make them understand.. its just going to be difficult.. cos dey think that im poking my nose into other ppl's business.. im so involved and everything so much so that i neglect myself.. i really dunno how else to sae liao le lars..
well.. i guess u have done enough to prove to me that u completely want me to leave u alone.. yea? no other friends.... well.. okay... if thats the way u want things to be.. i can only think, reflect on why u want things to be this way.. i guess i'll try my best to understand u okae? as of now.. i guess.. yea..i'll just leave u alone.. i guess...
its hard to accept reality.. sometimes.. it just wants to pit itself against u.. but yet u know u will lose cos u can't control it.. it just comes at u.. right in ur face.. and yea.. we can only struggle to survive... cos its not within ur control.. lyk who but God can control it..
honestly.. whats fate... izzit smt that will never go away? smt that will always be present in our daily lives? why wld fate wanna bring 2 ppl together.. or even bring 2 ppl apart? or even cause situations between 2 ppl to be 1-sided.. or cause situations between 2 ppl to be bad.. worse.. worser.. its just playing a joke on me isn't it.. why.. WHY?!?!
why is my life liddat..
why does everyone have to treat me this way..
why is the world liddat..
why does God have to do this to me..
why do u have to ask me to leave u alone..
why do u not want to hate me..
why do i feel this way..
gosh.. its just me isn't it.. the screwed up part of me..



how did u end up in the hospital...are u fine now? ur wrist? did it worsen or smt? and i why u nvr tell me.. or izzit no longer any point to tell me.. afterall.. u said u dun wan me to interfere in ur life anymore.. u even said please.. but u noe smt.. even by not talking to me.. i still do think abt u.. amazing isn't it.. i really dunno.. why..
i caused u to lose the love of ur life.. and u thank me? u sure u r not being sarcastic? honestly.. i want to take full responsibility of that.. u have already put it so bluntly that yea.. u r angry at me.. and everything.. and i fully understand why.. u shld be angry.. not thanking me..
what can be more dramatic or complicated that God cannot handle.. have u surrendered everything to him? not trying to be so religion-y here.. but we as God's children.. have the privilege of submitting all our troubles, fears and problems to him.. and for his LOVE for us.. we can be ensured that he'll take them all away.. i know.. after all.. u might just find it difficult and everything.. but its all yea..part and parcel of life..
okayy.. i have deleted that part abt him.. but i was just trying to get a point across? ya.. i know.. i might hav messed up ur life in some way wif my blog posts here and dere.. and i guess.. yea.. u probably shld be doing this to me.. its only wat i shld get in return...
leave u alone? stay out of your affairs? i really dunno wat to sae to that.. but if u cld even know how im feeling now.. yeah.. u r not the only wan feeling hurt.. seriously.. wif u being hurt.. others around u.. who are even closer to u than i am to u.. will be hurt as well...so i just hope u'll get out of all the depression soon.. sorry to have caused u so much trouble in ur life.. wreaked so much havoc to u.. and so.. u shldn't be appreciating me.....
looks lyk i hv caused nth but unhappiness.. trouble and pain to u.. im really sorry.......

colours of the R-A-I-N-B-O-W the of colours



oh well.. skye.. i really dun wish for u to be unhappy.. not even in the least bit... but knowing that u r unhappy and everything.. it just hurts me as well.. and i really feel helpless... i somehow know the way u feel towards me okay.. but i really dunno wat to sae to u now... i just somehow hope that u'll be angry wif me.. unhappy at me.. cos yeah.. i acknowlege that its my fault..

sighx..woke up at 10.30am todae sia.. one of the latest times i woke up... sleep until soo shiok sia.. lol.. not exactly shiok lars.. cos wake up still feeling abit tired..

i really had no idea of wat title to put for this post.. hence.. resulting in untitled...



just woke up.. haha.. no lars.. took a nap lors.. came home from training at around three o clock in the afternoon.. feeling really tired.. cos the past few nights have been sleeping late.. and yea.. last night sleep at 1am somemore.. father woke me up at 6.30.. sighx.. ended up going to school so early.. but its okay.. better to be early.. =)
yay...my finger is healing liao le.. still a bit pain only.. yea.. forgot to tell u guys.. injured my finger a few days ago while playing basketball.. hai..always happens to me de lar..
can't wait for death note 2 to come out.. so wanna watch in lorx.. cos yea.. really enjoyed death note 1.. it has been a long time since i last watch such a cool movie lors.. yea.. and thankx to skye.. yup.. went to watch the show together.. although we were rushing and everything..yea.. we still made it in time..
it really is weird..for me.. cos i don't know who to refer u as.. im no longer allowed to refer u as who i have been referring to u all along.. dun worry okaes.. i can understand the way u r treating me right now.. just that i find it hard to accept.. thats all.. wif ur last msg u sent to me being on 4 days ago.. i still.. yea.. sighx.. oh well... dun even know if u r reading this or not... hahz... i guess i just am in no position to sae anything now.. yea.. even if u read my blog post title.. its good enough..
haha.. and suddenly after blogging abt the above.. i just suddenly run out of things to sae.. haiyo.. im so lousy.. *slaps* nvm.. guess thats just abt all lors.. *slap slap slaps*



am i really that screwed up.. God is answering yes.. he's making as though everything is a trick.. for me.. afterall.. he's the mastermind isn't he.. he must be planning everything and everything... but why is he doing this to me.. playing tricks on me? as if its not bad enough.. he's making it worser.. im confused enough alright.. im sad enough.. im depressed enough.. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!! WHY..
i really dunno how else to talk to u.. xiaomei.. i doubt i am even supposed to be facing u at all.. after everything that has happened.. after everything that i have done.. i shld be just left alone shouldn't i.. afterall..someone is already leaving me.. so..yea..
better off alone? my mind is so disturbed.. wif matters with regards to me and other ppl.. izzit because i care too much? i care more than i shld be caring? am i just poking my nose into other ppl's life.. shld i care less... or not even care at all?
face it people.. this is reality.. after u have done smt wrong.. u face the music.. the punishment.. after many experiences of the same thing happening over and over again.. it can make ur perception of ppl around u to be false.. u just start believing in wat u believe in.. take for example.. guys are jerks.. but are u sure all of them are.. do u have to be such a sexist...... prejudiced against guys..
NB: not referring to anyone.. just an example..

yea.. u r probably right.. i thought too far ahead.. too fast.. too soon..



am i too naive? to think that everything would go according to what i said.. or what i hoped for.. i must have hurt someone so much.. to the extent that God wants me hurt as well.. maybe he's right.. i should be hurt as well.. for hurting someone else so much.. but i tell God.. i dun mind getting hurt.. injured.. both physically and emotionally.. as long as u relieve that someone from all the pain, troubles and sufferings that she is feeling... but why isn't God working through her? or even working through me? i hv tried so hard.. to make you understand that all that i have been doing.. all that i have been saying.. i tried so hard.. to the extent.. i feel.. that im falling back.. and falling back real hard too..
there are many things that u say.. that ends up meaning the opposite.. or ends up that u dun even mean it at all.. you said all those stuff to spite me.. why... u say that i dun care for u anymore.. u say that i hav long disregarded u as my stead.. you know.. that all of these are untrue.. but yet.. time and time again.. u r just purposefully making me feel hurt.. and why.. becos u hate me for doing what i did to u? u hate me so much that u want me to feel as much hurt as u? is that it? why.. why..
all i just ask for.. is that u understand me.. what i did.. and listen to what i told u about u and ur life.. and apply it into ur life... but u refused to.. u simply refused to.. and instead.. u tell me that.. u will never understand me.. and never want to understand me.. for what i did.. if thats the case.. wun i just be misunderstood for the rest of my life? yea.. u apologise to me.. and u thank me... and both of which u think u did sincerely.. but would it be sincere if after u did those stuff that u start spiting me again... when will u stop spiting me.. when....
afterall.. everything that i sae now.. wun have a single bit of impact on u would it.. u hate me.. u have so deeply rooted into ur mind that i have already stopped loving u and caring for u.. so wat is the point of me saying anything now.. when it all gets misunderstood in the end... tell me... what exactly do u want me to do.. tell me..
well.. xiaomei.. i m aware of the no. of times i made u unhappy as well.. and i just wanna say that im sorry.. after all that i did.. i just dun see how u are able to forgive me..
my life.. honestly.. why is my lyk this.. afterall.. is everyone else's life lyk mine... no.. they are so much happier.. and blessed.. oh well .but i just read from somewhere.. that i wanna share wif u guys.. and that is when God strips away anything that belongs to us, a close one, or even a natural resource.. its not because he doesn't want to care about you anymore.. but its more so that he wants to enrich our faith through the tough experiences we would be facing.. and i hope u guys will rmb that...