Thursday, February 09, 2006
thought it was time for me to change my blogskin.. found this wan rather nice.. and presentable.. hence i chose it.. yea.. hope u guys dun have any violent objections..
recently many things have been occurring.. major wans.. minor wans.. be it major or minor i guess they all have an impact on me.. i m feeling rather confused.. mixed up.. and sometimes even frustrated wif myself and i get very angry at me.. even when my friends come to talk to me.. i will either be telling them to leave me alone or otherwise i wld just give them the impression that i was in no mood to talk.. many many things.... its practically making my brain explode.. initially i had 3 short term goals that wld make me satisfied wif the way i was living.. now that 2 has been solved.. there is 1 left but 1 more is being added.. sighx..
1 of the 2 that were solved was the problem accepting my tutor.. well.. it ended up me talking to him.. giving him feedback.. commenting.. and he understood.. so well..yea.. i also had my difficulties too.. so its not entirely his fault..
secondly.. participating in the NPCC annual day parade.. heard from my seniors that it was rather not pleasant to take part.. the trainings are tough and there will be higher ranked ppl over there shouting at us in the face.. so much so that it can even make u cry.. training was held once a week and when it comes closer to the actual day.. it wld be twice a week.. i just wasnt sure if i cld commit my time and effort into that too.. besides.. there was another guy who was wanting the slot.. it was a painful decision that i made.. and i m not sure if i have regretted it yet or not.. i backed out.. yea.. actually i already did sign up liao le.. but it was because my fren kinda dragged me into this thingy.. not tat i wanna blame him lar.. but yea.. my experiences of making wrong choices so often liao le.. i jus wanted to make sure that i didn make the wrong choice again.. it was a really painful decision.. as it does affect my CCA performance.. i m just so mixed..
the terminating of my tutor also made me think of my actions.. if they were right or wrong.. i seriously dunno lar.. in this world.. there is a black side.. a white side.. but is there a grey side? where both right and wrong can be mixed together and compromised..
i suddenly feel like this world is gonna topple any moment or smt.. it just seems like that there is no point in carrying on to live.. ppl are shunning me.. am i that destestable? i want to and need to know wats wrong wif myself! and why cannot ppl tell me.. ppl do make mistakes.. i m sure everyone acknowledges that.. any violent objections? but in this case i dun exactly know wat my mistake is.. and i know i offended some ppl here and there.. but i dun know how did i offend them.. why can't someone actually take pity on this idiot blogging right now and enlighten him..
me.. i m a person whom values friendship very much.. and maybe some ppl cannot understand that fact.. i dunno in what way i offended u.. but don i have the right to know how i offended u? and do let me know in what way i m irritating or annoying or not pleasing to the eye lar.. just tell it to me straight in my face okae....... i dun want to leave it the way it is right now.. i want to at least clear things up.. at least okae? all i ask for.. thats all i ask for.. if that cannot be done.. i'll just vanish frm ur life and ur memory..
sec 3 life is indeed very tough.. difficult to handle.. wif at least some homework everyday.. so many subjects to handle.. no allowances to be given... its very stressful.. very very stressful.. stress from parents are already kinda difficult to handle.. having to listen to wat they sae.. even though it might not concern u.. u can just get dragged into the arguement all of a sudden....
it seems like a never ending tunnel.. a tunnel that has no light at the end.. who will shine a torch for me? who will retrieve me out from that tunnel.. or perhaps i m better off alone.. i wld only drag ppl down wif me.. get them into trouble.. or even get them stuck in the tunnel wif me..
to all out there... never do something for no reason.. everything that u do has a reason.. and it shld hv a reason.. otherwise, u r doing it for the sake of doing it.. which will not result in happiness.. and i find that the most important thing in life is happiness.. i know i hv been saying this over and over again.. but its really the jist of life... in everything u do u shld be happy.. be happy..
i know this sounds rather contradicting.. i m telling others to be happy.. but i myself am not happy.. i doubt i will ever be happy again.. just by thinking about the past, the present and the future, it is enough to make me frown.. in fact my fren did say to me dat i always don't look happy.. dunno how true though..
i will have difficulties falling asleep every night.. resulting in me staying up late practically every night.. how am i gonna live on.... where do i find the courage to pick myself up again.. i guess i need a psychiatrist..
just end the post today wif a quote from Abraham Lincoln:
" Its not about the years in your life that matter, but the life in your years."
(6:57 PM)